Whispering Eternity #4

Day 4

If the distance enhances the view of a mountain, then my solitude had intensified the spectacle of eternity. Was there an infinite that could be understood by the finite? So there I was, my moods reflected by the distant mountains and the color of the clouds amidst the fading shades of a sunset.

Then a lone leaf lulled to the ground before me. It had grown green, unseen on the willow as part of the whole, then it fluttered and was spent and left to lie. Was this to be my life? Then the coldness of the night creeps slowly and silently around me. Was I, like the leaf, to live and die and never know why and then to lie yellow and wasted on the ground to never be found? Was I an empty husk waiting for the wind of life away me blow, a cosmic orphan with no where to go?

Was I a changeling linked by a genetic chain to the invertebrates? Was I an organic rag doll re-sewn from the skins of extinct animals, as my university professors would have me believe? Was I the result of the purposeless blind processes of eons of mutation and natural selection? Were my cries lost in the silent recesses of space and why should I look to the future if there was none?

Here in this place I struggled with the concepts of time and eternity. Was time like a river moving to a conclusion or was it like a tree, branching out too many conclusions? Where did time come from and how did I get into it and even more important how could I get out of it? Along with this I grappled with the meaning for my existence and other lesser questions like “if God created everything who created God?” I wasn’t even sure if there was a God anyway.

And so at 17 I found myself at university – unprepared for life. My father had died the year before. Instead of spending my time doing assignments I spent hour upon hour up on the hills behind Massey University (NZ), watching the sun go down and even staying up there all night sometimes. With a burning heart I tried to unravel the secret of life and eternity. Instead of the agricultural science section of the library I frequented the philosophy section.

I saw time like the breeze in the trees as it passed and was gone forever. I realized that my life was no different, just an empty husk waiting for the wind of life to blow it away and then, not long from now, it would be gone forever just like the breeze. I felt I was just a blip on the radar screen of eternity. I was just a speck on a tiny planet whirling around an insignificant star in a ceaseless universe.

1 Comment
  • Evelyn Ebens
    Posted at 09:57h, 14 March Reply

    Such a special young man you were. He has blessed you with such a creative mind

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