The Man on the Subway

Steven Covey tells the story of the night he was on a subway train in New York. It was a Sunday morning. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway carriage. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The man sat down next to Steven and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to him did nothing.

It was difficult for him to not to feel irritated. He could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what he felt like what was unusual patience and restraint, he turned to the father and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what Steven now felt at that moment? His paradigm shifted. Suddenly he saw things differently, and because he saw differently, he thought differently, he felt differently, he behaved differently. His irritation vanished. He relates, “I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.” How important our momentary judgments can be. How important that we step back and seek a context for another’s behaviour.

We all go through times in our life that are challenging, but how you and others deal with it is their own journey, and theirs alone. When others see you going through pain or a challenging life event, you may assume they should treat you a certain way. This is an expectation that many times can turn into disappointment. No one can feel your pain. No one can fathom the whys and wherefores of your life.

I remember a time when I was a minister in Mildura, Victoria in the 1990’s. I had been working closely with the youth and one senior person did not like what we were doing. I oversaw three churches with an intern assistant. This lady had developed the habit of visiting one of the other churches when I was speaking at the main church. One weekend I had to change the speaking plan and I had forgotten to tell her. I was in the foyer of the church speaking with the senior elder when she walked in. I stepped aside and held out my hand of greeting. However, she turned her back to me and shuffled by. The elder, in his amazement, said to me, “If I ever get like that, please get a gun and shoot me.” To which I replied, “God knows her situation, her thoughts, and her disposition. We are all sinners, and we are all saved by grace.” Life is not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us. We are not responsible for the actions of others, but we are responsible for our reactions.